The Problem Is With Them.

I have been close friends with them, I have been in love with them and in every case they had me convinced I was the problem.

Covert narcissists are the ones you don’t see coming, a land mine buried beneath a beautiful meadow. You won’t suspect a thing until it’s too late. I have been the victim of covert narcissists several times, unfortunately and with help, I’ve learned what they really are. They will make you feel like you are their everything, their best friend, soul mate, love of their life.. whatever it takes to get you in their web. They will use your dreams, the strongest desires of your heart and your deepest fears against you. You will be left believing you are the problem, that something is wrong with you over and over, but no matter what you do, you will never be more important then they are to themselves.

I’ve learned the hard way that it’s not you or I, it is them- and they all use similar techniques to the ones I’ve listed below.

1. They will appear to open up and share deep emotional things about themselves. They aren’t called “vulnerable narcissists” for nothing, they will share past traumas, things they aren’t proud of, things they wish they had done, all to get you to feel comfortable opening up to them. Did they tell you soon into meeting them about something that has left them scarred, something about them that they “used to” do that they aren’t proud of? Some will admit to being users and manipulators in the past, claiming they’ve “changed”. They will also seem self-deprecating and have low self esteem. They will often say they aren’t a good person or don’t deserve you, all in an effort to hear your praise of them or they’re accomplishments.
2. They want you to talk about yourself. Narcissists are self absorbed, but the covert narcissist will encourage you to “talk about anything”, perhaps saying how they just love to hear your voice, to get you to talk. This makes them seem not only genuinely interested in you, but caring too. In reality they are gathering information about you that they can then use to manipulate you. This can be accompanied by an admission of feelings for you and the sound of your voice.
3. They will appear concerned if they do not hear from you, sometimes for just a day. This seems caring and loving but they’re only doing it to keep tabs on you, finding our what you’re doing and who you’re spending time with. This is in effort to isolate you from others, convince you to correspond with them more often. Do they tell you how nice it is to talk to you every day? Get messages from you through out the day? They will make you feel guilty for making them worry when you aren’t around.
4. They will tell you you are their inspiration or reason for making a life change, one that, at a glance, seems to be positive. This makes you feel special, close to them and makes you put more effort into helping them with that change. Were you the inspiration for quitting their job and pursuing a dream? Do they say this is “for us”? Perhaps now you’ll feel the urge to support them financially or do work to help them achieve that dream.
5. Inconsistencies. Experiences they relate will be slightly different with retelling, they will emphasize unimportant details and gloss over important ones. Timelines won’t seem to connect, math won’t quite add up. They will insist they told you something they didn’t or repeat a tale not quite the same way. You may chalk it up to forgetfulness and fuzzy memories, but often this is because lies are a integral part of their lives and sometimes it’s hard to keep up with which ones they’ve told whom. If you compare notes with other victims you will find the same basic stories but with details tailored to each person. It’s another way to play on your emotions and make them selves seem like you.
6. Anxiety about how others in your life will think of them. It’s natural to want to be liked by the other people important to people you care about. But the covert narcissist is terrified that someone will see them for what they are. If you see a therapist, they will show interest in how your sessions went, ask what you talked about. If you tell your friends about them they will want to know what you said and what their reactions were. This seems, again like they are caring and interested in your life, but in reality they are making sure no one is seeing cracks in their mask.
7. Compliments. After finding out your insecurities, your fears, the covert narcissist will shower you with affection. Telling you exactly what they know will keep you focused on the role they are playing, compliments will come out of the blue and they will do every thing they can to make you feel like you are the most special person to them. This makes you feel more secure and unafraid in your relationship with them, allowing them to manipulate and get what they want from you.
8. The covert narcissist will never tell you what to or not do. Instead they will manipulate your emotions so that you decide to do what they wish. Maybe they will mention they are short on cash and when you ask if they need some money, they won’t exactly tell you yes, but you will feel inclined to give them some. Or if they don’t like you spending time with a friend, especially one they see as a threat they won’t tell you not to, but they will find ways of taking up your time or expressing jealousy so that you, in an effort to make them more secure in your relationship, limit your time with them. Perhaps they will accuse you of abandoning them to spend time with someone else or make you feel guilty of leaving them.
9. Blaming you. If you take any issue with what they do, who they spend time with, what they do when not with you, how they treat you or if you ever seem to be figuring things out, they will blame your feelings on your anxiety, YOUR jealousy or your own insecurities. Do they tell you that you’re bringing them down when you mention such things? Do they turn it around and make you feel terrible for speaking up?Rarely will they admit the fault is with them. They will gaslight you and make you think you’re taking crazy pills and over reacting when you are not. The covert narcissist will always be looking for the next victim.
10. The End. It will come suddenly, unexpectedly.. that mine exploding under your feet, at least to you. You will think everything is fine, until it isn’t. The catalyst is usually something small. You stood up for yourself one too many times, your money is running out, you are starting to see all the inconsistencies. They will try to drive you away so they can play the victim, likely as they’ve told you about relationships in their past. But, if you don’t end it they will finally pick a fight, usually a minor one, blame you and… just disappear. Often they will say that things just aren’t working but that they still care about you and how amazing you are. This leaves you absolutely destroyed and believing the problem is with you, that you did something so terrible to make someone who cares about you have to kick you from their life. You are wrong, the problem is not with you.

In conclusion, covert narcissists are actors, very good actors. They make a living off of pretending to be someone else so they can use, manipulate and get what they want out of people. To say they are masters at their trade is an understatement. They are chameleons that camouflage themselves to fit in with those around them, they are not who they appear to be.

Having boundaries, saying “No” and standing up for yourself early on will discourage the covert narcissist, they aren’t looking for a challenge, they don’t want to work for their victims. But, if you find yourself recovering from covert narcissist abuse, it helps to remind yourself that they are experts at what they do and are very successful in the ways of subtle manipulation. They don’t ever want to appear to have the problem, they want to appear to be the misunderstood, vulnerable ones. They want you to feel somehow, the fault lies with you, but it doesn’t.

You never had the problem. The problem is and always will be, with them.